Growing up, I had no idea what the heck self-worth was. Frankly, it was a term that wasn't taught or even talked about. It just didn't exist. It was only when I was well into my 30-somethings, that I was forced to wake up to my life and realize the incredible meaning of having innate value.
The truth is self-worth is the core of who we are, it's our very thoughts, feelings and behaviors that are intertwined with how we view ourselves, our worthiness and our value as human beings. Unfortunately, many of us tie our self-worth to superficial things outside of ourselves such as another person, a relationship, a job, a family, financial gains, and so on. As adults, it's much harder to increase our self-value because we've had years and years of pre-conditioned scripts ingrained in our unconscious mind. These scripts are what society believes is true for ourselves. Yet, none of these scripts and stories actually matter when it comes to determining our worthiness as a person.
When I was younger, I knew exactly what my goals were. I wanted to have a successful career, get married, have the kids, have the house, and all the adult things. In reality, those goals I was striving for weren't really mine, they were dictated by the unconscious scripts we've passed down in society that equated to a "successful" life. I admit I based my worthiness on the status quo as a woman (like so many others), by placing a high value on a relationship and finding a partner who was able to support me and provide the life that I thought I wanted. Nowhere in that equation did I ask myself key questions like - will this person make me happy? will this life make me happy? Does this life represent who I am at my core? I was just so fixated on the idea of holding on to this dream life for dear life that I didn't care what I had to sacrifice to get it... even if it meant sacrificing myself.
Well, the universe had other plans for me, and THANK GOD it did because it blessed me with a divorce. You might be thinking - WTF!? you're happy about getting a divorce?? I hear you - my internal script was saying... DANGER! divorce means failure! Divorce means you're worthless in life! No one will ever love you again! At first, I was shaken to my core and carried so much shame because I saw myself as "damaged goods". I spent so much of my life "chasing the dream" and equated my worth with being in a relationship with another person that I was completely oblivious to the darkness I was pushing down on the inside. I didn't realize my devastating divorce, this rapture in my life would unapologetically break open my soul, unearth my truth and show me what I truly deserve - the unconditional love of myself.
I knew It was time to meet myself, to stand in front of my fears naked, alone, and ready to deal with my demons. It took many years of struggle but I have learned I am the only one who can decide my worthiness, no matter what I've experienced or been through. No person or relationship will ever define who I am or what I offer this world. My inner critic is only that, a critic not the voice of my inner soul. You can have this inner liberation too - if you're willing to let go and start again.
How does one increase this fierce self-worth, you ask? Well, for one - you have to be able to let go of everything you previously believed about yourself and hit delete. Completely erase those pages and start a new story by taking responsibility for the narrative. You're no longer letting others contribute or influence your story - you're the writer, director, and heroine all in one. You're the one in control from here on out. Take the pen and start writing.
If you're ready to do the inner work and re-write your script, here are some prompt questions you can ask yourself.
What if everything (including your relationships) were suddenly taken away?
What if all you had left was yourself?
How would that make me feel?
What have you done in your life that you're extremely proud of?
What do you admire about yourself that gives you value that others might be jealous of?
Once you answer those questions, I want you to make the following statements true for you by making them a part of your new narrative.
You no longer need to please other people or seek validation from their words or actions
No matter what people do or say, and regardless of what happens outside of you, you alone control how you feel about yourself;
You have the absolute power to react and respond to events and circumstances based on your internal sources, resources, and resourcefulness, which are the reflection of your true value.
Your self-worth is self-sourced from within and is set to an internal measure that you and only you have chosen for yourself and is not generated from a person or relationship.
You know you're imperfectly perfect and will always be a work in progress and you're empowered by knowing just that.
Let me give you some insight, if you're reading this you're most likely wanting to change, to be better, and to love yourself more. Just reading this article is an act of courage, a step toward freedom, a step to becoming open to a new way of thinking, a step toward yourself. Remember, you're the only one who's holding the pen for this rewrite so give yourself the starring role, as heroine of your own damn love story.
Want a guide to help you on your inner adventure to fierce self-love? Work with me. https://www.thejoytribeco.ca/meet-your-coach